I used to not know who I am.
I just know that the Lord Jesus appeared to me on the road by which I was traveling so that I would gain sight of His glory and love and be filled with the Holy Spirit.
For almost all of my life I thought I knew Him. I could sing praises, go to church, lead ministries, read the Word, pray and live like every other Christian. I could even say I was saved by grace alone, not by anything good I did. Yet deep down in my heart, I believed my decent life could save me, because after all, I was not like my lost brothers or cousins. I lived a clean, church-going-centered life. I avoided sin so that I would avoid Jesus.
God had to be happy with me. He had to bless me for how good I was.
But then He blew it.
He took away precious things, and his taking away made me angry. It showed that I didn’t love God. I only loved His good things.
He had torn to pieces my masquerade party.
As I was traveling down Self-Righteousness Road, Christ appeared to me as judge. “What are you doing?”, He said. I could see Him laughing at my best works. They had only been filthy rags before Him. If I didn’t turn away from that road, my destination would be hell.
I don’t know exactly how He did it. One day in March 2010, for the first time in my life, I smiled at Him. I realized I had been acted upon so that I would come to terms with God. That day I stopped wrestling against His sovereign control over my life. That day I was finally free. These days He’s used so many ways to break me, to shatter me, to expose my sin and my helplessness. It’s been a painful process, but a fruitful one. But the most important thing is that He’s teaching me that the only way to heaven is Himself.
I started this entry saying that I used to not know who I was. And that’s true in one sense. For all of my life I thought I knew who I was– all of my purpose and significance came from relationships, church ministries, family, and friends. Now all of that God has lovingly taken away from me in one way or another. He placed me in a deep valley. But it was a valley of vision- to see Jesus, commune with Him, and understand who I am. God has now become so real and dear to me that I have lost myself in Him. Yet, it’s in these last few months when I’ve come to know and rejoice in the fact that I’m His daughter, and that He loves me! Wow. This is the very first time that I’ve been able to truly enjoy such a blessed assurance!
So I’m starting life back to zero. Back to nothing. Back to the realization that I don’t know anything, and need to be well taught by Jesus from the very beginning. I don’t know how life works. I haven’t grown up as I should. I might be a very well-thinker, but most of life lies hidden from me…and that’s because until now I have not followed the precious guides the Bible has to offer. Instead I’ve done my own thing which has proven to be a total failure. I wish I could undo these past few years and the self-seeking, unloving decisions I’ve made. But I can’t do that. God foresaw this path, walked me through it in love…to finally bring me to Himself. I am comforted in knowing that all this pain, and suffering and humiliation has served that purpose. That’s why it is more than welcome!
Here I am being as honest as I can. I don’t want to say He’s done with me yet. Actually, He’s just getting it started! There’s so much work He must do in my character. I know He’s fully aware of it and willing to change me into His image. I need to be transformed by and through and for His grace- so that I enjoy Him more and above all things, live submitted and surrendered to His will, stop seeking my own good and other people’s approval, stop believing that I’m good enough to be God’s daughter (or not) …and start living a carefree honest life. My significance is now found in the Lord Jesus Christ. Praise God He’s brought me to the right path of discovering Him and learning who am I to embrace His work in me and His wonderful ways. This is the right timing.
All of this to say…
The days of shadow and darkness have gone. A new day has dawned.