When I first started blogging about contentment, I never knew the path it would take me. I thought it would be something fun and edifying that would give me something to talk about. I outlined how many posts the whole series would take. It would be easy to blog about it because, after all, I am not usually a complaining person…or so I thought. Truth is I could never foresee what it would mean for me to study the topic and write about it. I should’ve known better..
A few months after I started studying the topic and a month or so blogging hiatus, I find myself in a different place. God’s word is never ineffective. It cuts sharp and then heals. It is a mirror which shows your worst you and then transforms you into the best you you could possibly imagine. Yet, while His Word never proves ineffective, the hard realization of who you really are without Him is painful. It’s almost stagering.
Through the journey I’ve taken in the last few months I’ve discovered how discontent I’ve been with the portion appointed by the Lord in this season of my life. I don’t think my friends would say that I’m a complaining girl. I know some of my sins and faults, but I (they) would never say I’m the kind of person who is always saying what she doesn’t like about people or situations. I’m actually someone who tries to look at the bright side of things and even laughs at herself. I love doing that. But like I said, God knows better than that. He knows the true desires of my heart. He knows about those things I yearn for and He’s shown me how some of them, while being good and godly desires, have been transformed into idols by the idolatry factory of my heart. Relationships, a sense of belonging, getting new car, have been part of those good desires turned into a list of things I think I cannot live without. And since I have not gotten them when I want them and how I want them, I’ve given God the bitter look.
“How can You do this to me?”
God is way too good of a Father to leave me in that sort of discontent state. I’ve read books about it, studied the Word, prayed and even fasted for a content heart. While all of that has helped me, I think that God often crafts special moments to speak into my soul, usually desperate moments when I think there’s no way out of my sin, and surprise me by/with grace. The Por Su Causa conference and then one particular advice from my mentor (to soak myself in the study of God’s character) and an encouraging word from my aunt (“open your ears. He’s talking to you and will tell you what to do“) set me back on the right path of joy in God. I don’t think I have achieved it completely, but I now fight with real hope. I now can say wholeheartedly that I do not have everything I want, but I truly have more than I deserve. I have God and that suffices. It’s a constant battle against unbelief and pride. It’s a fight against my heart’s whispers which try to convince me that God doesn’t really care about me, and my own devices are better than His to get what I want when I want it.
I’m back to blogging now because I believe God’s given me two things: a story and a voice. A story of his super abundant grace in my life. A voice to share it with others for encouragement. I don’t know how often I will be blogging. I wish I had a set schedule but life nowadays is really busy. Nevertheless, I don’t want to forget His faithful dealings with me. I cannot stop telling about His grace and I shall do so as often as possible.
Thank you so much for reading and waiting on me. But THANK YOU for keeping me in your prayers. In heaven I will only know how these stories the Lord gives me have been an answer to many of your supplications on my behalf.
God is at work. He is my shelter, what should I fear?