If I am not literally going crazy, then I don’t know anything else. This hurts so much. And it gives me a sense of guilt and pity that it’s so hard to bear. I feel like I’m standing at the edge of a bridge, ready to jump. I have asked the Lord to take this away from my life, but He seems to just stare back at me and tells me that He’s in control. I know that He wants me to learn submission with contentment, but I ask “is there not other way to learn it?”. I have the strange feeling that He’s getting me ready for something…for something bigger than I imagine. But then I get afraid. Is my complete life going to be this way?
Why can’t I trust God wholeheartedly? I am SO tired to be dealing with this over and over and over again as if it never going to end. I am exhausted. I say I don’t care about the results, yet I do. I am very weak. That’s why it hurts me so much. That’s why I don’t talk anymore. That’s why I cannot open up.
“Lord, you know what this is and how I’m dealing with it. Somehow you’re making me stronger. Somehow you’ll take this and turn it for good. I have already seen flashes of light of your blessings…though I don’t see the end of this tunnel. You are the only one who understands me and knows me. You have led me through this before. So because you’re faithful, I know you’ll bring me out of this one again, and over again if it’s necessary. Please forgive my being so uncontent. Paul knew to be content in the midst of trials more difficult than the ones you’ve put me through. I know you’re teaching me exactly the same. Be with me. Give me patience and endurance. And a sense of your glory and beauty. Amen”
Do not let me go astray.